I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
