big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
