hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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