Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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