In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
