We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
