New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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