Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
