I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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