if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
it hurts more in the daytime
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
