she was so not down for the gang bang
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
