All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
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