hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I should be sponsored by Trojan
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
