Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
