I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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