at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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