Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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