i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
