I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
