Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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