New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
