Porn is love you can see.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
