i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
