Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
