I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
