just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize