First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize