There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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