Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
