I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize