She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I wish they made helmets for livers.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
