i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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