It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
