I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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