Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
