anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
