You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
