The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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