I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
