The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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