Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
