Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
