Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
