hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
