He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
