I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
i drank out of a bidet.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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