It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
