I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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