Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Even the bartender felt bad for me
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
