My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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