can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
