i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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