alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
