It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
