i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
