Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
