im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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