Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
