mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
