State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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