today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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